Candied, crushed sago't gulaman
by Ryan Melmoth
Games with chatty, petty antagonists are kind of awesome. There’s something directly engaging about having the computer directly insult the player. It’s like a cheeky punch at the fourth wall–not quite breaking it, not quite fully addressing the player as an entitiy, despite the player getting affected nonetheless. How couldn’t you?! When someone’s calling you a dumpass because you missed a jump, or insulting your parentage when you’re scrambling for cover?
[Every Tuesday, we… tues a free browser game that you can play in five minutes.]
Mond Cards probably has the chattiest, pettiest antagonist this side of the indie scene. He’s no Handsome Jack or GLaDOS. Think more of a schoolyard bully, armed with the simplest of verbal arsenals and the most pointless of boasts. He’s still a tough nut though. Before you face him, you need to remember two things:
1. He’s an eyeless, nameless card sharp who’s running an obviously rigged game.
2. He hates you.
Mond Cards is a silly, silly game where your virtual life hangs in the balance! Win against Boss No-Eyes (not his real name probably) and he will give you everything you desire. Here’s the rub: winning is impossible. So… yup. I GUESS THAT IS FAIR
Mond Cards reminds me of those impenetrable board games with made up words that are supposed to be really important, like tapping and instructions. I tell myself to floop the pig despite it doing nothing, so I just pick cards and pretend they mean something. All the while, Mr. Skinsockets calls me lame and dumb, spitting out nasty obscenities to the tune of sprightly acoustic riffs.
Oh, and the Cthulhu insect man is totally into you.
Kambyero Hot Tipz:
1. Remember to always clurb your seventh florbax. Never your sixth! Don’t be a scrub.
2. Wait for a few seconds before picking a card. Squares are also high, so make sure you get them when the time is right. When is the time right? If you have to ask, then you just missed it. GOD, CAN’T YOU GET ANYTHING RIGHT
3. Good luck, you jerkface.
Try to play Mond Cards here or by clicking any of the pictures.