Candied, crushed sago't gulaman
Ballroom Battle is an exchange of gunfire squeezed out of popped hips. It is an arena of glitter and glass where the weapons of choice are fierceness and fabulosity and dance moves where you squat on the floor and cantilever your arms to and fro. Their armor has been forged by Steve McQueen and Thierry Mugler, worn with pride and panache. The warhorns drop a beat. Open palms dart and sashay over facial features. Shoulderblades unlock and are cocked like scimitars, feet are tensed in heels.
Cry havoc, and let loose the swag of war.
The mechanics are simple. Watch a face-off between two ballers and decide who is better. Some rhymey pre-fight trash talk and dancey post-fight rejoicements serve as bookends before you move on to the next rapturous duel.
Round 1: Mugler VS Versace
Mugler has thighs bred for warfare. Versace looks straight-up ballin’ in his gilded vest. Mugler takes this round with impressive arm whippits though both had respectable Cossack-esque ground games. Upon winning, Mugler bunched up her considerable legs and jumped far higher than my ambitions.
Round 2: Lacroix VS Commes de Garçons
Lacroix took the lead off the bat, working out spins and squats in a body stocking reminiscent of Lisa Frank and my strangest dreams. Commes de Garçons looked equally snazzy with his angry unibrow, but repetitive fingerswan/mantis-style moves showcased more of his (her? hir? eir?) palm-less gloves than his fresh gesticulations.
Round 3: Balenciaga VS McQueen
McQueen just didn’t care, her hands raised high up in the air, a cross between X-Men’s Storm and an oaken Earth Mother statuette. Hips circle around like birds of prey in an open sky. An immaculate belly attempts to bowl over the competition. Balenciaga never stood a chance.
Round 4: Givenchy VS Lanvin
Stunning bout since both looked like existing video game characters. Lanvin was a dapper Kung Lao and she knows it! Givenchy is Kraven the Hunter of the vogue world, but Lanvin’s hat-based arsenal of moves is a minute long Fatality breakdown.
Ballroom Battle is incredibly entertaining. Just for that, it is worth a look. It is also an education in vogue culture, a subset located in the Venn diagram of fashion, LGBT, race relations. And for that, it’s worth much, much more.
Play it here. Or by clicking any of these untamed action shots.