Candied, crushed sago't gulaman
This is it. The culmination of our efforts as a gaming website. We are here. In E3. Rubbing elbows with the industry creme dela creme. Breathing in the rich, musky fumes of con air. Talking in fragments. We did it, sweetcheeks. Nothing can take this away from us.
Kambyero co-blogger and circus strongman, Joseph Berida, covered the Microsoft conference with some wry panache. My turn at the helm now, liveblogging their E3 conference, straight from my eyeballs to yours! Incoherent journalism coming through! So this is one cool video. This video has everything. Indies. That awesome, Dark Soulsy dungeon crawl game that turns me on so right. Cars. Disney characters. Everything! I can probably dance to this if I weren’t assaulted by the 72 spotlights and the berserker barrage of split-second gameplay vids. The boulder of hype has started rolling and not even a king of an ancient Western civilization can push it back up!
Jack Trenton enters the fray with Imagine Dragons nuzzling against his powdered flesh like a limber courtesan. After the preliminary humility, he then rattles off that he won’t be talking about the PS4 just yet. 70 million people want to hear about the PS3 and the PS Vita, so we’ll talk about those first! The PS Vita needs a hook fresher than the potential of its hardware so Sony’s focusing on actually producing games for it now. Took you long enough? Glimpses of Tearaway, Arkham Origins, and four other sequels and new IP are introduced. That’s not a lot? Vita owners will be getting more HD remasters than new games, it seems. FULL STOP. Telltale Games’ The Walking Dead: 400 Days this summer! Starring Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. It gives me great pleasure, too, Jack Trenton.
Blah blah blah. Vita-PS4 cross-connectivity. Blah blah blah. Games, yes! For the PS3, we have The Last of Us, which Joseph will be playing soon. Read some reviews on it and I’m getting flustered a bit myself. Post-apocalyptic adventures with Beardguy and Ellen Page. I’m all over this. Puppeteer looks epic in scope and charming in presentation. Some choirboy millefluously plays out the introspective ghost-simulator that is rain. And there’s Ellen Page again in David Cage’s Beyond Two Souls. Despite having the longest, most dialogue-heavy trailer, Beyond Two Souls somehow manages to not mean anything coherent. rain had the melancholic tone and gameplay down in 15 seconds–you’re a ghost boy in an abandoned city of perpetual rain. Got it. Good. In Beyond Two Souls, you’re a teenager/young adult tasked eliminate a warlord but you have zero allies and guns. What do you have? Spunk, I guess. And considerable military training as evidenced by that mini-gamesy montage. And whatever it was Willem Defoe did to you in the beginning. I’m assuming he does something to you because Defoe’s just that invasive a character. SEE? I am bemused as Ellen Page’s simulated computer face.
Next up: cars. Sweet new physics engine, sweet new tire models, sweet new other things. This game looks to be the automobilesiest game to ever exist. It has wheels! It has revving! It has streets–it has tracks! What else could it be other than Gran Turismo 6? Trenton’s back with more Last of Us back-pats before Batman dropkicked him off the stage! Metaphorically, I mean. Arkham Origins looks pretty aces as expected. Less crazies, this time–it’s looking to be a straight up, one-night brawlapalooza with Gotham’s criminal elite. Black Mask, Bane, Deadshot, and Deathstroke are at the forefront, with a guest appearance from the Joker. Maniacal laughter from the new VA quelled any fear that Troy Baker would fall short of Mark Hamill’s classic take. There is that question of Bats having nicer, more advanced tech in the prequel (like that crime reconstruction Detective Mode and new grappler tricks) than in the sequel. PS4 TIME, N-WORDS. With the opening swell of Daft Punk’s “Give Life Back to Music,” Andrew House takes the stage to dazzle us with his teeth. And holy goatee, he’s going to show us what the PS4 looks like! Pulse-pounding drums and a blurry image in the distance! It’s black! It’s confirmed. The PS4 is going to be black! It’s getting nearer! Some guy beside me has gone into seizures, the WEAKLING! BOOM.
It looks all right. An atramentous little parallelogram that looks like a spaceship. Some dude whose name I didn’t pick up went on stage and got all the Sony Pictures connectivity features out of the way. Living room media monopoly is shaping up to be bigger battlefield in the next chapter of the console wars, it seems.
Shu Yoshida’s here now, chuckling awkwardly and stifling butterflies in his stomach as he introduces the first of the Sony’s first party IP. First up, we have some folks decked in period-specific finery and battle jewelry riding in a carriage. They have sublimely groomed facial hair and English accents. Londontown monster-hunting?! Steampunk-inspired weaponry?! Some guy named Gallahad?! The Order 1886 seems like a pre-Edwardian monster-vanquishing action game wrapped up in olde tyme knight lore.
Killzone: Shadowfall is an FPS, existing to appease all Killzone and FPS fans. There are guns, there is shooting, there are melee takedowns. Par for the course. Market’s already saturated with this stuff, but I suppose this is what the people want. Driveclub is a game where you drive. Drive with your friends or your enemies. Drive with people all over the world. Drive yourself in a car. Driveclub. inFamous: Second Son has razz, matazz, and a whole lot of jazz. But jazz in the beatnik slang sense, not in the music sense. It’s nice seeing a protagonist who is visibly stoked about using his powers and not either bemoaning his freakishness or stolidly ignoring it. Knack is hella interesting. A little bit of Iron Giant with some Pikmin mechanics. Very stylized, like a Pixar or Dreamworks CGI film. And then there’s this The Dark Sorceror thing. It starts off as this gratuitously hammy portrayal of a dread necromancer ranting and chanting when it suddenly reveals itself to be–surprise–the shooting of a videogame CGI movie. The confloor shook with the laughter of a thousand genre savvy nerdlingers. It was beautiful.
The third party dude enters the fray to say some words that is making me lose my mind. It’s been recently established that Sony’s backing indie devs who want to hot and heavy with the new console. Self-publishing and the opportunity to grab on to Sony’s coattails as they careen haphazardly into gamers’ hearts. Clearly, they’ve already won the affections of the indies with how chummy they are with each other. One after the other, Sony showcases their independent slate. Octodad’s there, awkwardly scuttling and disco-shuffling. They got the diabolically difficult Don’t Starve. The Scott Pilgrim VS The World guys have another thing out! Kind of like a radical, reference-laden Contra. Secret Ponchos seems like a pistol-whip of a good time, reminiscent of Read Dead Revolver’s goofier boss fights and tightly controlled 90s action games. Ragtag Studio’s Ray’s Dead looks, well, all right. Give that thing a whizzbanger of a gameplay trailer and then we’ll talk. Outlast has the shakey-cam, found footage thang going on, which is always a welcome aesthetic if done effectively.
And then there’s Oddworld. I’m… not that big of a fan. So okay! I guess that’s cool. There’s that one last Asteroids-esque game that they showed before shooting off into the blockbuster spheres. First up, Diablo III! I am trying to pretend I care as they tell me I’ll get Journey-inspired pauldrons and Uncharted jewelry. Squeenix trailer. A new one! Now we’re cooking with elixir! Okay, so we have your prerequisite brooding protag. Check. Mod-techno setting seemingly inspired by anachronistic Baroque architechture. Checkara. Swanky swords and crystals and broken glass floating in slow motion. Checkaga! I bet my four-prong multiharem fanfic that this is defo a Final Fantasy game. And the 15th one, too.
Assassin’s Creed: Black Flag. I still don’t understand Asscreed. In my head, the protags are Highlanders who kill each other to claim’ Assassinizing powers. I am content in my ignorance. This new trailer basically means Pirate Assassin, Trip O’Dowd managed to snuff the lives of the former Assassins, Jebediah Saltzman, Facundo de Caballero, and Skipping Coyote. In any case, the trailer certainly feels swashbuckling. Complete with riverdance music and freezing computers. Another gameplay trailer from Watch_Dogs. In this one, we got driving, surveillance, and talking on the phone. These are all future activities! The protag, Aidan, is helping the hirsute T-Bone escape. There’s an interesting bit of co-op play where you can connect with random folks on a special app to assist you in the urban disturbance. Clever little twist, that. Next up we have two Lebron Jameses inflating each others’ egos! Accurate on-court emotions await the dedicated swathe of gamers who’re still super into sports games. The Elder Scrolls Online looks promising. That’s pretty much it. It’s like the Elder Scrolls, but online–something I found to be missing from the last few games. I would have liked experiencing my first dragon fight with a few other friends. What’s this? A Fallout sequel? Nondescript, shoulderpadded thug enters the scene in a converted, rusted muscle car. Desolate wasteland. Emaciated youth dying of thirst in the middle of a sandstorm. Bullet conservation. Definitely Fallout? But wait! It’s not? It’s Mad Max, beloved 1980s post-apocalyptic adventure movie! Who would’ve Thunderdomed?!
Jack Trenton returns with some more read-all-about-its. “PS4 SUPPORTS USED GAMES” flashes across the screen to rousing applause. No strings attached. Some guy raised a wrestling title belt. People are happy. Jack Trenton slaps Microsoft in the face again by directly contradicting Microsoft’s dodgy periodical updates, turning PS4 into, well, a non-evil console. PS+ membership and all of its perks carry over, which is pretty cool. PS+ is already a solid, incredibly satisfying gaming network, so more of the same is always a plus. Free games upon membership! Access to the online servers! Discounted vidya! $5 a month! Destiny from Bungie’s up next. Another post-apocalyptic serving with a side of FPS. The IRL dialogue between the main Warlock player and the Hunter is forced and canned as per con requirements. The presentation manages to be atmospheric and even a tiny bit tense as the two investigate an abandoned warehouse. Like the ill-placed hoots of the Warlock player, I am excited. And lastly, $399. A good $100 less expensive than the Xbox One. I am in tears on the floor, attempting to convert that into pesos. I have that much money–oh god, for the first time in my impoverished gamer life, I have at least 20-something-thousand pesos on me. Take me now, Sony. Lift me into the heavens. U DUN GOOFED is the theme for this year’s Sony E3 conference. With Microsoft shooting itself in the tender bits and Nintendo relying on the Nintendo Direct to generate hype, Sony cleaned out the house by capitalizing on the other two’s negative to tepid showing and doing, well, nothing too offensive. The con goers were hungry for something that didn’t suck and infringe on their personal spaces and Sony delivered. Add to that the scads of new IP for the PS3, the promise of usefulness for the Vita, and, of course, the coming of the tech-juggernaut that is the PS4, Sony has all the aces. We here at Kambyero just hope they remember how to play.