Candied, crushed sago't gulaman
There’s no more palpable indicator of gamer age than the degenerative slump of your twitch reflexes. Oops, I missed that parry! Must be the old arthritis twerking up again. Hand me my pills, young whippersnapper. It’s in the inner pouch of my Power Glove.
[Every Tuesday, we… tues a free browser game that you can play in five minutes.]
How can one determine gamer age–a real, true thing that I didn’t just totally make up–with the technology that we have today? Is there some kind of indirect way we can remind ourselves of our own mortality and our increasing alienation and discomfiture to what is essentially a children’s pastime?
Lethal League is a realization of that dream. Two boys on a battlefield. Dueling fates. Clouds roll by as a spaghetti Western tune chimes in the imagination. Cue the disembodied urbanite chorus. An ensorcelled baseball floats to a hover right in the boys’ lines of sight.
This is their signal. Now they must play ball.
Lethal League pits you against a computer opponent. He is your COD-generation representative. Treat him well because he won’t show you the same courtesy. He is faster than you, better than you, stronger than you. He is a machine programmed with a symphonic mashup of every Daft Punk song known to man.
1. Hit the ball with your bat.
2. Hit the opponent with said ball.
You can move, jump, and redirect the ball’s trajectory with the arrow keys. The ball speeds up with every successful swing. Jump and hit Shift + Down with your swing and you can expedite the acceleration. Do it enough times and the ball ignites into flames. A few more hits, and the world begins to end. Enjoy your murderous volley as the apocalypse transpires in the background.
You can never win. I didn’t. I’m too old. My joints are used to writing check balances and cupping the cheeks of children, trying desperately to siphon their youth.
I’m an adult now.
How did I get here so soon?
You can play Lethal League here (alternatively, click any of the screenshots). You can do Speed Challenges, but Versus is where it’s at. Play with a computer. Or on the same keyboard with a friend or a loved one. You have committed so many mistakes in your life, but they are not one of them. Hold them dear, while your arms still have the strength.
1. Turn off sticky keys.
2. Try not to run away from the ball.
3. Try not to run away from your responsibilities.
4. Everything has no meaning.